10 Days Until Los Angeles

You have NO idea how ecstatic I am about going home. Going home means being reunited with my family and friends. I have never wanted to go home so much in my life. 7 months is a long time to be separated from your family, although I do know a lot of international students who go years without seeing their parents.

This is the longest time I've been apart from my family. But, I think it's not just the time that makes me want to get out of Chicago so fast. I think it's because I just went through a lot of struggles while being here. My internship was not the problem. I loved my internship, it was so laid back and I got to learn so much. It was staying in Wheaton with my great aunt and uncle. 

My two months here has been such a faith-enriching time. Reading the Word everyday and truly depending on God for his strength during really, really hard times just makes me feel like the first green sprout out of a winter. 

This summer has been all about discipline and dependence. By God's grace He has been disciplining me  to read the Word everyday. He has been disciplining me to have patience. PATIENCE!

Patience towards my great aunt and uncle and their daughter. Patience every breathing moment I am in their home. I'm not going to list all the things in which I felt God really pressing patience on me, but take my word for it when I say my struggle to honor my elders was mind-numbing. I admit, I was not the best in being nice. I saw myself not giving discretion to my words or attitudes during strong frustration. And even in those times I felt God just rebuking me. So so so much discipline. I always need more discipline.

After that gym-locker incident, God helped me to depend on Him. I honestly had no one else to depend on for my safety, security, and peace of mind. Who was going to bring me a peace of mind? Who was going to stand outside the bathroom door when I take my showers? Who was going to relieve my terror of sleeping alone? Who was going to tell me that I am now safe and protected? Who? Who? Who?

None, but Jesus. 

I also am really excited to go home because God has been doing so much transformation in my family. Seriously, I remember telling myself in January that my resolution this year was to love my dad. I never told my dad that I loved him and meant it. I never did. But, I wanted to. God was melting my hardened heart. I believed Christ would break down the barriers that were keeping my family from being a fountain of love. I believed that 100000% with no doubt in my heart. Jesus breaks every chain and it was the happiest light of hope that I ever had. And 7 months later, I am just in tears and gently brought to my knees when I think about the transformation of my heart, my dad's heart, and my family's heart. I can't wait to tell my dad that I love him. 

T-15 and A LOT of excitement

Every day is a countdown to home. I remember when I realized it was T-20--I was brushing my teeth in the morning and was jumping up and down, smiling to myself in the mirror.

OH, COULD THE DAYS GO BY ANY FASTER. I want to go HOME.

I always left my heart in Los Angeles.

Chicago

James

Having been exposed to a handful of big cities, I have become desensitized to homelessness. I see homeless people on the streets when I go to school, when I go home, when I go to work, when I hang out with my friends, and even on my way to church.

But, two days ago I did a double take on one gentleman sitting on the corner of Madison and Dearborn in downtown Chicago. It wasn't a double take because he was ill or because pee was trickling down the sidewalk. It was because he was reading the bible. 

I was taken aback because I had never seen a homeless person read the bible while patiently waiting for money to fall into a McCafe cup. 

I observed him for two days, thinking, maybe he will stop reading it. Maybe I happen to come at the exact time the person who gave it to him left. 

Today on my commute to work I remembered him and wondered if he'd still be at the corner of Madison and Dearborn. I wanted to pray for him, for him to continue his faith no matter his situation. I saw him there, and he was still reading the bible.

I left work a little early, bought a Wendy's combo meal, put it in my backpack, and went to him. 

His name is James. I asked him if he was reading the bible. "Yes." I asked him if he was a Christian. "Yes." I asked him if he believed in Jesus as his personal savior. He said that he believes God is the one who put him in this position.

After giving him the dinner I bought him, he shared with me a little about his life. He told me that he lost his job as a floor installer with the 2009 housing crash. Nobody wanted to build homes after that and so nobody bought his business. His wife left him. His four daughters live out of state. I asked him if they knew he was homeless. "I would never want my daughters to know I'm homeless."

Do you keep in touch with them? "Over Facebook." How do you use Facebook? "The public library."

My heart broke. Over the internet, he was still a dad living in a home in Chicago. In reality, his day job was panhandling and by night he was sleeping in alleys. 

He was masking the reality of his situation and reading the bible to "make the time go by."

He said he was raised in a Roman Catholic Church, but now attends Willow Creek, a big Christian Church based in Chicago. He reads the bible while waiting for a miracle to happen. 

By hearing of his attendance at church and search for biblical comfort, I know that God is pursuing James. Afterall, we seek Him because He sought us first. Such is the scandal of grace. I prayed for James after he shared about his life. I continue to pray that no matter what his situation is, all he counts is loss, for Christ is our greatest gain. Our family, friends, homes, jobs, money, fame-- everything is a loss compared to the gift that made us co-heirs to the son of God.

God works in his awe provoking ways that are unique to each and every one of our personalities and lives. He knows us better than we know ourselves and I believe God is doing his thing by bringing James into intimate waves. For He knows our circumstances. He knows how we feel. He knows how James is doing and there is true hope in that, with James's belief, God will bring him out of homelessness. God will be ever more lifted for others to see. God's love is violating. And He wants to show us that love in ways that we may initially reject. But, sometimes God has got to violate our lives to silence the deafening noise we live in. God's power and love works contrary to nature and his miracles are a testimony to His reality in this present second.

How am I doing?

Internship is good. I spend my free time reading about fish and watch YouTube videos on how to fillet different kinds of fish.

i.e.:

Wheaton, IL

So I'm staying with my great aunt's in Wheaton, IL. It's the base of Wheaton College, a christian college and seminary school. It's really pretty here, very suburban. My great aunt is letting me use her extra car, but something about bicycling here is so much more fun. Maybe because I haven't ridden a bike in the suburbs since elementary school and because riding a bicycle in New York City is not second nature.

So I decided to bike around today, a lot more than usual. I rode my bike up to Wheaton College and I rode around campus. It looks like a classic Southern or Mid-West school, looking archetypically Christian with its red bricks and white lining. There is a church in the middle and the entire place is so charming. The campus was closed today. I actually went up there because I was looking for a book store to buy some reading books. The book store was closed too. And I was getting really really tired from riding my bike up hills. I was sweating like crazy.

So I decided to bike to downtown Wheaton and I came across this coffee shop that is very reminiscent of new york: wooden tables, floors, menu, with contemporary typography. And here I am sitting writing this inside River City Roasters. The latte is surprisingly good. I'm going to be coming here often.

The coffee shops motto is "Coffee, Connection, Community."

I can't help, but to be reminded of christianity and the importance of community. I think this is such a great way to create a safe space for people, christian or not, to come and unplug from their lives and chat with others with a good cup of joe. The fact that it hinted to the fellowship of christianity made me feel so warm inside. And then I was reminded how this motto would never be appreciated in nyc or LA or anywhere.

Wheaton is such a great place to live and grow as a Christian. Sure, 100% of all the citizens here may not be Christians, but the idea that this city and its school was founded by Christians (*ahem*Billy Graham*ahem), makes me feel so warm and safe. I don't feel judged here doing my QT in public. I don't feel judged reading my bible publicly. I don't have to worry about my bike getting stolen. I don't even have a lock on it right now.

To go to college here would be a dream. To grow up in this kind of environment may seem like a bubble, but how wonderful would it have been if my faith was grounded here first before entering the real, monsterous world?

To raise kids here? Wow. I wish places like this existed by the coast, particularly LA. I would be comforted by the fact that most of the people here are God loving people and would treat each other with the same doctrine in mind.

I really like Wheaton.

Wait--wow I just had a realization....God brought me to Wheaton for a purpose. He didn't let me stay in downtown Chicago although downtown Chicago would have been 10x more comfortable of a commute. But, He brought me here....to bring me to a safe space where I can have a quite escape with Him in a community of God acknowledging and loving people, kids, and coffee shops. Almost like the perfect summer camp for my faith to grow.

Couldn't have asked for anything better now. My eyes are always in binoculars, trying to focus on things I cannot control: my life, my future, my job. I'm so ignorant and so incapable of fathoming what gifts my Father has for me. He loves me and gives me more than what I thought I wanted.

I'm so encouraged to grow! And not by any one person, but because of a city.

So now I am slowly beginning to understand what it means to love your city--new york city, los angeles, san francisco, london, paris, shanghai, seoul, you name it. Imagine if those cities also encouraged you to grow in faith. If New York City made me feel the way I feel at Wheaton....I would be at a loss for words, crying with joy.

Chicago

All I could think when stepping off the airplane was, "why am I here?" "what am I doing here?" Regret was starting to fill the air.

My trip going to JFK and my bad experience at the airport with my overweight baggage was so overwhelming that I cried in front of the Delta employees, TSA officers, and just everyone who was near me. I cried so much. I was so stressed this entire month planning where I was going to stay, the last two weeks especially being the heaviest. Packing up my dorm and putting everything to storage was also extremely stressful because I ended up having way more stuff than I thought and had to use four different places/apartments to store my stuff. The day of my departure I just had a lot of little difficulties leading up to my departure, things like having no cash, having to go back to my dorm even though I moved out, etc. I was so exasperated by everything I cried the entire way to Chicago. I was so miserable that I kept questioning why I decided to intern here and live here. Why didn't I just go back home to LA? I love Los Angeles. I love New York City. Everything would've been so smooth had I stayed in NYC or gone home. I wouldn't have to deal with such a long ass commute to downtown Chicago everyday since I'm in the suburbs. I wouldn't have to deal with living with my great aunt and great uncle who I don't know very well. I wouldn't have to deal with spending so much money. I wouldn't have to deal with finding new friends. I wouldn't have to deal with anything that made me uncomfortable.

So maybe that's why I'm here.

I believe God's challenging me to step out of my comfort zone. To love my great aunt and uncle. To learn what family means. To learn more about His love. To jostle me from side to side and show me what I cannot see with my limiting eyes. I'm really uncomfortable. I truly am. But, I'm also really excited.